Roll the dice
by Kalifornia Koastal2
Summary: Short vignette on Chuck trying to write Blair a letter


A/N: This is a short vignette I wrote. I intentionally did not place this at a specific time so I could write as free as possible

I'm sitting in front of the PC again, the cold light from the screen falling on my face. I put my hand on my gut to make that strange feeling of.. I don't even know what go away. It won't help so I take a sip of scotch from the bottle that had kept me company in nights like that. I have been staring at the empty file on the screen for a while now. I have been thinking of writing this letter a thousand times , and I sure have written it in my head at least a hundred. Every time I did that I didn't even had to think of what I want to say, as everything just flowed.

But now that I'm looking at the file I can't seem to think of a single word. I start with Dear Blair, but immediately deleted it again.. how could I start that important letter with such a done to death phrase. I lived that way for a while now, I lived that lie for a long time and in the beginning it was clear to me that I will never ever speak the truth about it. And why should I? It will make her get furious with me, leave me hate me, oh I could never live with knowing her hating me. But as time passed I came to the point where I told myself it would still be the best to release myself out of this web of lies I've spun. But than another aspect came to it. She said she loved me. She said I'm her rock, and she said she couldn't imagine life without me. Naturally I could never hurt her with the truth now, because if there is something I want less than her hating me its' her being unhappy. Yes I stood her up at the airport when we were supposed to go to Italy together, but I did it because I was afraid in that time she might find out who I really am, my persona and dark secret. I thought lets live amongst each other why not? Why do I have the sudden urge to finally spill the truth and also to tell her these three words she wanted to hear so badly. It's because of him, that worthless scum of a low-class human not even worth breathing the oxygen near to her. I have been through it all and that although I have it all. But I never knew love. I grew up without a mother, my father was either not present or ignored me at the best. I never had a girlfriend, only strangers with no names in my bed. Basically you can say there is not a single person in the world out there who cares about me.. not one until she came along. If you can find that one person you can open up to (to my standards that is) and feel like you really wanna be with her then you know it's supposed to be and you also know there will never come a second one like her..never. And now he is about to take her away from me. How I hate him, the sound of his name makes me clench my fist and my stomach churn already Not to mention the effects the thought of what he does or is going to do to her, I can not put these feelings into words, it's wrath for sure, paired with anxiety and emptiness, emptiness that will take over my life if I'm not going to make a move right about soon.. tell her, tell her the truth, tell her I love her, tell her I'm sorry and hope she will accept it. There is a 0.01% chance she will but also a 99.99% chance she will hate me for ever. I have been trying to acquaint her to the truth and on good days I had hope and thought that my chances were raised. But then come the days where I know it will never work out. Those are the days I'm thinking of getting out of this life and leave her behind in the knowing that she will spend her life with him.. or with any other nonentity. The worst thing is I can't even talk about this with anyone, I will never be that vulnerable to anyone. I manage to write some lines when the thought of confronting her in person crosses my mind again. It's might be better in terms of calming her down, but then I also know a letter is something I can check over and over again and add things before I give it to her, while whats said once it is said can't be altered anymore. My phone rings, it's a message from Gossip Girl containing a pic of him and her. I rage again. I was always the dark kind of person but I never knew I had that much hate in me, I'm honestly surprised with myself and that strange feeling spreading into my whole body from my stomach. Gossip Girl, the source of anything about him and her. Thanks to that connection I can't even stand hearing that blogs name anymore. Another sip of smoky scotch burns down my throat as I attempt to numb myself. It helps with my anger but not with my.. sadness. In fact it feels like my mind is covered in a dark fog. I have to say I wasn't the happiest person before her, but I knew without her my life would be nothing but empty. I close the file knowing today won't be the day I will write that letter, aware of that thanks to that scum there aren't many days left. We are running out of time. We started out in such a roundabout way and still found each other, and that's how I know it was meant to be. But then there was me, rolling a dice on our lives and what the Gods had written for us. If only I know if she could ever forgive me, I'd do anything and give all my wealth for it and more.

I would sell my soul.


End file.
